Listen.

The Christmas season isn’t all that great.

We all know this. We don’t need to mess around trying to define it, or figure out why or what changed. We’re all past the point of childish wonderment, and well underway in our phases of disillusionment and cynicism. The humor we need isn’t the type we can find in Frosty the Snowman, but instead the kind that’s based in cynicism and intended to put off our existential crises for like five more minutes, or at least until our awful cousins get out of our rooms and we have to get up to close the door behind them. We’ve moved past wanting a puppy and now want a sense of purpose that no amount of cookies for Santa or reindeer games can provide. We don’t need disclaimers, we don’t need sugarcoating, and we don’t need modifiers. We just need a way to get through it.

So. How do we do this?

Well, ideally, we arrange everything we could conceivably need for the next two weeks so that it’s within reaching-distance from our beds and settle in for some quality Netflix watching (Friends is going to be streaming starting January 1!). Aside from that, however, there are still things we can do to help:

How to Deal With Extended Family

1. If you HAVE to engage, talk to them first! Make sure YOU’RE the one in control of the conversation!
   1. If you camp out in the living room early on, there’s a pretty solid chance everyone else will, too, and your room will be safe, if nothing else.
   2. Ask about them and their lives, even if you literally do not care at all. Or, if that fails, ask about their kids.
      1. For real. Especially when you’re literally half a second away from sarcasm.
   3. When they ask things like, “Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?”, here are some answers to avoid at all costs:
      1. Halfway through falling down a flight of stairs
      2. Protesting the results of the 2024 presidential election
      3. Celebrating the 10 year anniversary of you asking me this question
      4. I – I’m shaking hands with Dumbledore! I’ve just won the House Cup!
   4. Do NOT debate. Argue. Whatever.
      1. Your know-it-all uncle will bring up how racism isn’t real, or say the word “feminazi”, or declare that cell phones give you brain cancer, or that 9/11 was a government conspiracy, or that your whole generation is ignorant and useless, or that all drugs should be totally legal, or something else.
         1. It doesn’t even matter what the topic is.
         2. It doesn’t matter whether or not you agree.
         3. Do not talk, except maybe to mutter under your breath occasionally when you’re 100% sure you can get away with it.
      2. This is the hardest part, especially if you have REALLY distant relatives visiting.
         1. A lot of people seem to think that being related means you share all opinions on everything, and they’ll get really offensive really fast.
         2. Especially if they’re old.
2. Honestly, the easiest thing is just to avoid them, so do this if you can. Seriously. Don’t be fooled by ads or commercials or your mom – they’re all lies. Well-intentioned lies, sure, but still lies.
3. Whatever you do, don’t tell jokes your friends would laugh at.
   1. Seriously. Either your elderly aunt will get them and then you’ll be in trouble, or she won’t and you’ll have to explain, and it’ll be awkward and horrible for everyone involved.
   2. Or, even worse, she’ll get them and actually think you’re funny and she’ll affectionately refer to you as “the troublemaker” for the next decade and try to friend you on Facebook.
   3. Do not go down this path.
4. BE CAREFUL about the kids thing, though, because if you seem too interested, they’ll think you want kids and ask about your dating life.
5. Whatever you do, avoid talking about your dating life. Say you’re focusing on school or something.
6. Smile whenever anyone asks about anything.
7. Within reason, obviously. Don’t just stand there and smile when they ask how you are or how the weather’s been.
8. This mostly goes for when they ask about Your Future Plans.
9. Seriously, just let it work itself out. If you get really worked up, mix around all the CDs in their cars or beat them into the ground during charades or Trivial Pursuit or something.

How to Deal With Food

1. Know who cooked what before you eat it.
   1. Yeah, potato salad’s good, but not when it’s coming from your cousin who you KNOW forgot to refrigerate it last night.
   2. Also, nothing left overnight in a car is good. It doesn’t matter what they say. It doesn’t matter how well it “totally held up last time.” Do not eat it.
2. Don’t let anyone else’s stress affect you.
   1. Oh no, the gravy’s too runny. The dressing has apples, and your annoying young cousin doesn’t like apples. The mashed potatoes aren’t mashed enough. Who cares?
3. This is the best part, literally just enjoy it and reap its benefits.
   1. Someone ask an awkward question? Too bad your mouth’s full so you can’t answer! Conversation starting that you desperately do not want to be involved with? Time for seconds! Out of topics that won’t offend anyone? Compliment the food. Any food. Any aspect of any food.

How to Deal With Bad Gifts

1. No matter what you say or do, however many stores you suggest for gift cards, or however many hints you drop – subtle or not – you will still get terrible gifts.
   1. “Read the card!” “Smile!” “Try it on now!” “Is it the right size?”
      1. Just ignore all of this.
      2. Open the present, scan the card, look at it, smile, hold it up a little, repackage it, move on, repeat.

Basically, this all boils down to one piece of advice: don’t worry about all the expectations associated with the great time you’re supposed to be having. It’s a lot easier to have an alright time when you’re not concerned about the fact that you’re not having enough fun. This applies to summer holidays, senior year, vacations and most life situations.

Seriously. Chill.

Have a good holiday, and enjoy being not-in-school.